Long Haired Palaeolithic
(Glasgow)
Thursday 23 Nov 2017, 2:54pm
Wanted!!!!!
Musicians preferably the type who like playing lets pretend online.
?Have you got loads of You Tube video of half hearted guitar covers of blues songs On your Tod just jamming along. Well in there with your American made Fender or Gibson. Playing along big man while a crappy mp3 of Cream keeps you company in the background ?
?Are you currently exhibiting on Instagram ?
? Building a shrine for the sake of a shag and a thumbs up, to pay off the pain of that gas burning diet plan ?.
Don't bother, sending me a conversational or god forbid an expressive message. No ! just drop a link to your instergram accounts, plus loads of photos of you and your wee acoustic guitar looking profound and thoughtful. Even though you might actually have been profoundly thoughtless at the time. It would be a perfect picture if you can have a shot of a novel on your lap. But be tasteful nothing by Jeff Archer or Dame Cartland I'm talking real authors for really intelligent people.
I'd also love to meet up with you for a long chat over a cup of Starbucks water and stale luke warm milk propped up by a drip of burned out coffee. I want to hear all about your favrortoe burger at five guys , tell me in details about your body building regime how there so many s;';'t musicians out there and your the real deal , Go into Alpha mode by telling me all about your business tactics, but of course not about how you picked them out of a secondhand Donald Trump paper back.
Talk about ying and yang , Bill and Ben the flower pot men , you know all the relevant stuff with regards to playing music. Indeed you must delay me in hours of conversations only and never ever mention anything dirty like a jam. Please also take the liberty to fill me in with your rig and guitar porn fantasies. Afterwards if your lucky we can go off into Fantasy land buy a Harley on chewing gum credit and ride off to meet Noddy and his mates sod the band. The guys are no rich their no famous their no young and for ffs their no pretty boys , so why bother ,when you can't sniff or hear the rustle of the big notes.
?Can you also please phone me on an evening and eat into my pub. Entrap me in a long conversation about how much you want to be in a real band that makes real music and you've been looking for something serious for yonks. We will play famous band exchange for a good half an hour and then fill it out till the end telling me your committed and hungry to make some money and you'll be down for our next practice. However only do this if your prepared to flake no earlier then 48 hours before the next practice. Mind you've got to be really creative with the excuses I don't mean in the sphere of the exotic think mundane bog standard a la can't be arsed in essence.
?Can you get into projects for a few weeks rearrange the set list and then tell us your no going to make the next one" maaaaan and you'll be along whenever "mannn maybe "mannn " cool manna.
As we love being treated like your doormat and understand its just a "musician thing maannn deal with it man". ?
?Do you have loads of sound clips that sound pro and knitted I want to hear the stitching in there mind.
Please be original and do a cover of Comfortably Numb preferably one where you just flood it in the solo part and eventually just do your own thing. But in the first instance send me a text which clearly shows you've no read my original ad and the thing is the link. I have loads of time to waste watching over played one instrument covers. ?
The more links the merrier.
Bonus points given to individuals with professional looking websites which state how you once rubbed elbows with Paul Weller and make out you've had a successful carrier in bands no ones ever heard of ,
Fake out you've toured half the world when you've really just done a couple down the local open mike night , a few half arsed local bands at best. Once got up in a bar in Thailand to lend the resident lady boy a hand on the guitar while he- she did her best Cher impression with ping pong balls for encores.
Remember!! your profile must be smoothly written with the kind of spin that would make a political candidate blush. Written in the third person and be wiki ready. Again you must throw in the paradox of being a uncommunicative unreliable sociopath in practice, when we actually deal with you in reality.
If you fit any of the above please bombard me with you tube video links social media profiles and Facebook profiles cause I really want to know what you did or did not do on your holidays, the things that make your bowels move and what your really think of gay people all the lovely stuff of life. I would prefer displaying your social media profiles in our practice room and we can all bow down and worship that would be much better then having you there playing your instrument in real time. Which I understand is a rude and intrusive thing to expect of another human being in this day and age. People who demand such things need to go on an offenders list and be publicly taken to task.
Preference will be given to Sociopaths who speak with a mild transatlantic accent despite never having traveled south of Carlisle.
Only those who can be counted on for being a flaky as f*ck and can throw a spanner in a bands work at the most inopportune moment need apply.
References and a track record desired for wasting the time of time wasters who are actually commited.
Lets do this guys and gals !!!!!
Have a nicer then nice day.